Does it Ever end?

With Mental Health Awareness Week coming up I took it as a kick in the butt to get back on track with this blogging business. I am a terrible procrastinator!

I work on a computer all day, which makes my screen time sky rocket. This means I don't really want to open my laptop and keep looking at a screen haha buuuuut blogging, typing and sharing helps me cope with life and whatever I happen to be going through so I should do more of it.

For the last 6 months or so I've been dealing with a shoulder 'injury' that affects every single part of my life. And the word injury has those little doodads on them because I legit don't remember a specific instance where I hurt it but it's damaged so I did something.

Last year I had surgery on my ankle, after waiting for 1100 days. No, that's not a typo.... ELEVEN HUNDRED DAYS! I was in constant pain every day, no matter what I did so this injury has been especially hard for me to cope with. I had to fight and I had to advocate so hard for myself for anyone to listen to me. There was something wrong, it wasn't in my head and it was NOT CRPS, which is balls by the way. Multiple Doctors would not believe me or do the tests I needed, nor would they send a referral to a surgeon. The only person who would listen to me was my physiotherapist but they're not able to send referrals.

My family Doctor was convinced I had Plantar Fasciitis and I just wanted to scream at him. After significant pushing I saw a surgeon, he did some tests which showed nothing but he frickin believed me that there was something wrong. End of the story turned out to be that the little thingy (retinaculum) that holds the tendons in place had been torn off the bone. So.... my tendons were just doing whatever they wanted. He fixed it *Yay Dr. Van Zyl*. This all resulted in 1) me being super grateful that he listened 2) me feeling extremely vindicated and 3) me knowing I have to fight for myself because no health professional can ever be counted on to do it.

So fast forward to now when I'm trying to get help with my shoulder. An ultrasound (needed to diagnose Rotator Cuff Tears) is going to be a minimum of 6 months; The Dr didn't believe me on this even when I told him I called and spoke directly with the Ultrasound department. One of the things he said to me during my appointment was, "There's a 50% chance the test will come back negative... then what do you want me to do?". And I just about lost my shit y'all. YOU'RE THE DOCTOR!! He ended up giving me a cortisone shot, which is balls also. The day after you get the shot the pain is doubled, can't move the joint and it ended up not working for me. The pain is back, my range of motion is pretty much non-existent too.

I've seen the clinic Doctor, my physiotherapist, the on-call Doctor in my own clinic as well as my family Doctor. I'm waiting on an MRI (end of May) for a diagnosis and trying simply to NOT use my shoulder, which is pretty impossible. So living day to day with constant pain and discomfort sucks. I can't sleep, as you can imagine, which just adds fuel to the fire. My husband, while mostly understanding and completely supportive, says jack-ass things that normally wouldn't hurt my feelings but are. I feel useless, I can't get dressed by myself without hurting myself. I can't get undressed without hurting myself and I can't even put on deodorant without hurting myself. I feel a little sorry for myself some days; I know I am insanely lucky to have people do my bra up for me and put my hair in terrible ponytails haha I don't want to need them though, and that's where it gets super hard. 

I am 99% dependant. I have a mortgage, my own car and I can feed my family on my own if I had to. I don't want to need anyone for anything besides moral support. 

So there you have it. That is my whine and complain for the day! If you have any tips or tricks to help me get through these days and nights please leave a comment or send an email :)

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