I haven't been active here for a while; It's been kind of a shit show around here in real life. I've been having a very hard time coping with life and have kind of sunk into myself.
I have decided to stop taking my medication for my anxiety/bi-polar disorder. (P.S I link those because the medication is prescribed for my anxiety but because it helps my brain work the way it's supposed to it also impacts my bi-polar disorder) Being on Prozac, I do suffer from side effects that sometimes make my life harder such as having zero sex drive. My poor husband met me as this crazy sexual person and then whomp whomp It just vanishes. So, sometimes I wean myself off for a few months to just be the way I was before. Wait, that's not even right. It's a mixture of old and new me because I really really know myself so much better than I used to. I know when I'm coming into a low and I'm able to manage it better than before. I do still have ROUGH days where I'm sure my husband wants to lock me in the bedroom on some kind of extended time-out so I just shut up and stop being crazy.
Anyway, life has kind of sucked lately, that is the point. I found out a bit ago, some pretty devastating news about a very direct family member. It was like.... I had all the outside pieces of the puzzle but the entire center was missing. This news filled the entire thing in with foul, bizarre, disgusting, shocking vomit. I have said it out loud twice now, twice! It is something entirely different to know things and to say things. Now, it is NOT my story to tell so I am not going to get into specifics for the whole world to see but when I say it's awful and disgusting, just know that I mean it in the darkest f*cking way.
So I need time and I need... well shit I'm not even sure right now. I'm trying to figure out what I need and maybe it's JUST time. I'm in charge of me, nobody else is so I have to own these feelings and move on because I would just be hurting myself if I don't. And I don't deserve that, nobody does.